Reading Untangled by Lisa Damour has been an affirming and eye-opening experience. As a parent navigating the ever-changing emotional landscape of raising a teenage daughter, I found this book to be more than just helpful — it offered a compassionate lens through which to view the complexity of adolescence, especially in girls.
What struck me most deeply was Damour’s explanation of how the teenage brain evolves. As parents, we often respond to what we see: a tall, confident-looking young woman. But the truth is, the internal development — particularly the brain — is still under construction. Recognizing this gap has allowed me to pause, reconsider my assumptions, and respond with more patience and empathy.
Damour’s insights into the teenage world — where friendships reign supreme, every small issue can feel like a catastrophe, and emotional responses can be intense — reminded me that much of what seems irrational to us is completely logical from their point of view. And perhaps most importantly, she highlights the devastating impact of shame. Shame doesn’t just criticize behavior; it attacks identity. Damour writes, “Once shamed, teens are left two terrible options… Either way, someone loses.” That line stopped me in my tracks. I realized how vital it is to approach conflict not with control, but with humility and care.
One of the most liberating lessons from the book was this: “It’s not about you.” As parents, we often want to win — to be right, to maintain authority. But Damour reminds us that trying to win an argument at the cost of the relationship isn’t worth it. “You don’t have to lose your daughter to win a point.”
I’ve seen the impact of these lessons in my own life. My daughter and I now host a podcast together — something that would never have happened if she didn’t feel heard. When I’m busy and miss a chance to connect, I circle back. When I realize I’ve made a mistake, I apologize. I’ve learned that listening without judgment is one of the most generous things we can do for our daughters. And I’ve witnessed the difference: she speaks more, shares more, trusts more.
Damour’s words, “Throw your power around when in conflict with your daughter, apologize,” ring truer each day. Parenting isn’t about never getting it wrong. It’s about how we repair, how we come back, and how we show our girls that strength lies in vulnerability too.
The book also addresses the modern challenges teenage girls face — from navigating the curated pressures of social media to the all-too-real struggles with body image. Damour calls on parents to be present guides, offering tools and perspective, not control. She also emphasizes the importance of teaching girls how to make their own decisions — allowing them to build confidence through autonomy. Conflict, too, is reframed as a developmental necessity — not something to fear, but something to navigate with grace.
Perhaps most poignantly, she reminds us that our daughters will soon be stepping into the world. Our role isn’t to shield them indefinitely, but to support them in becoming the best version of themselves — capable, confident, and resilient. Untangled offers not just strategies, but a mindset shift — from managing our daughters to walking beside them, with trust, humility, and love.